exhausted.

I love Tuesdays and Thursdays. I LOVE going to school SO much. I know that whenever I go to school, I will definitely be exhausted for the rest of the night, I give it all 10000% my all while I am at school, I run around, and tickle and laugh as much as physically possible between the hours of 8 am and 5 pm. Today was different though, I CAME to school completely exhausted. I have not slept very well the last three days, I have only got 5 or less hours of sleep every night since Friday (it is now Tuesday). Yes, 5 hours is a lot, but not when you are going going going where you are stretched every single second of every day, and now I am on my 6^th week. I feel completely drained, but I get up, get dressed, and walk to school. As I walk to school, I pray to God almost in tears begging Him for an overflow of supernatural energy and joy today. As I approach school, I hear the bell ring and the morning assembly has begun. I stand in my usual spot where the little ones can’t see me, as so I am not a distraction. Mrs. Anastasia Musembi (the nursery teacher) comes to me and greets me, tells me I look “smart” and asks me about my weekend, I do the same to her. She begins to tell me that the cook will not be here today, because she is sick with malaria. I am shocked! She proceeds to share with me that all the teachers will help with the cooking and cleaning today, she tells me that I will teach more independently today as the other teachers will be very busy. Just the very thought of that makes me more exhausted. She turns to leave and tells me that Annet shared with her that Caleb (the son of the woman she lives with) hits her on the way home and when they get home he is very mean, without hesitating I offer to walk them home. The assembly is over and I wait for Lovely to see me, and run as fast as she possibly can and leaps into my arms, as she does every time I am at school. I say “Mambo”, she giggles and replies “Poa”. I squeeze her tight, comforted by her laugh and messy face. I put her down and walk to the third grade class, my first lesson of the day. I am excited, I LOVE this class, and they are so smart and giggly and willing to learn all the time! I peek my head into the classroom and make a silly face, every single student makes a silly face back to me, I laugh, enter and say Good morning.  Thankful that today I get to spend my first period with these kids, the teacher shows me what I should teach them for math today, its adding big numbers and the art of “carrying”. I let out a light laugh, already knowing that they will know how to do this perfectly. We our lesson, I go to second grade class, do the lesson, then have a break with some chai! Today, I am thankful for this chai, hoping that maybe joy may come from this small cup of heavenly nectar. I then continue my normal routine, and finally end up at the nursery class for the hour before lunch. This class is wonderful, challenging, and great. I always have a harder time in this class but I cherish the things I am learning. I suddenly realize that the teacher of this class will not be in here for the next hour because she is cooking lunch. I am horrified. I am supposed to teach these kids and control them when they don’t understand what I am saying?! This overwhelms me and becomes almost too much. First I play with them, letting them jump on me and get tickled and laugh a lot. I like this part because this is the only way I know how to communicate with them. Then I realize that we need to get on with our lesson and learning. I stand up and begin to do math, only to realize that they are all standing behind me not sitting in their seats. I ask them to sit in their seats, stupid right?! How could they possibly understand what I am asking of them? The pitter patter of feet catches my attention, I see an older girl run by the classroom, I step outside and motion for her to come here. I ask her to tell them to sit down. She does and I am so thankful (I give her a sticker as a reward)! We being our lesson and then begins the chaos. I cannot control the chaos that surrounds my every being as I am mortified as I cannot control a single student in this classroom, I step outside and go to the head teachers office and ask him to calm my class down. He does so and I am so thankful! I rip out some coloring sheets and pour some crayons on the tables. Thankful to have a little break of noise as they quietly color, their Precious Moments coloring pages. I sit down, remembering how truly exhausted I was before I got here, now feeling it even more than before. Sitting there wondering how I am not falling asleep from the lack of sleep the last few days, I suddenly hear Annet “The B-I-B-L-E, yes that’s the book for me, I stand alone on the word of God, The B-I-B-L-E”. I look up and smile, I just taught her that and she already knows the entire thing with only a few mistakes, like saying will instead of word (but it works too so I don’t correct her)! I am so proud. I am reminded of God’s faithful even when I feel like I am at the edge of my rope. I am reminded that I was came here to step into what I am called to. I stand up and write the words to the song on the board, and my class continues to sing with me. Again, at this moment I am thankful for the voice of children who worship Jesus. It is finally lunch time, I go to the “kitchen” and help Mrs. Musembi serve lunch, I love this part of the day, I truly feel like I am helping the other teachers and serving the students. I am humbled as I realize I haven’t seen any of the other teachers today, they are all in the kitchen, helping, cooking, cleaning and serving, without complaining or whining. I am humbled. I step into the kitchen ready to serve, only to realize that unlike every other day, the food is not ready. I am surprised, surprised that no one is complaining that the food isn’t ready on time, and no one is waiting at the door like they do when they know the food is ready, they are just playing with each other and waiting patiently. Finally the food is and we all the children get fed. The lunch break is still the same amount of time and everyone eats and gets ready for class to start again. I go back into the 3^rd grade class and teach science (the ways of transporting water), it went smoothly and it was fun, we played pictionary! I then went into the second grade class, knowing full well that this class for the third time today would be close to horrible while I was here at the brink of my exhaustion. I know that I needed to give these kids my all, they deserve it. I began to teach English (sentences with missing words), they begin to get out of control and don’t want learn English anymore, they just want stickers and to draw on the chalkboard. I want to run out of the classroom and cry. I just wanted to end things smoothly today. I finished my lesson and gave them work to do, knowing full well the ruckus that would happen as I begin to grade papers and reward them with a sticker. I sit on the floor in the front of the class, knowing that they would bring their work to me, as quick as possible. They all finish and all want stickers, I begin to be bombared and feel claustrophobic as all 10 students crowd over me at once. I slowly put my head in my hands, an older girl sees the commotion in the classroom and comes and tells them to sit down. “Teacher Mwende, they are out of control” she says. I really want to say “no kidding” but I hold my tongue. I calmly get up and the bells rings, I tell them that they can go out for games. They excitedly run outside. I just sit there, almost not being able to stand up, wanting to leave right then and go to sleep. I suddenly remember that I promised to take Caleb and Annet home, which means I cannot leave until 5, I look at my phone, its only 3:10. I close my eyes, wanting to burst into tears from exhaustion. I wander outside, and find somewhere to stand, as to not look too tired to everyone else but feeling like my heart was replaced by a rock. I begin to play catch using a deflated mini soccer ball with some of the younger children, thankful that this won’t make me more tired, I play along. I play for a while, and then I see Annet and sit down with her as she begins to practice her counting by counting all of my bug bites (this happens at least 3 times in a single school day).  She counts up to 100, counting not only my bug bites but my freckles and scars too, not wanting to correct her because WHAT she is counting is not the point, it’s that she is learning to count. She sits in my lap and plays with my hands; I remember the conversation I had with her teacher earlier about her being bullied by her “brother”. I am saddened and hug her tight; she laughs and begins to sing “The B-I-B-L-E” again. I sing along and she is elated! It is soon, thankfully, 4:45 which means I can get up and get ready to leave. I sigh a breathe of relief, thankful that I can walk them home and sit down for a while. I skip home with Caleb and Annet and some other children. I am thankful for these children, I see joy in them. I remember why I am here and why I have a heart for children. I sit here, after this day writing about this day and recognize that even through my exhaustion I am reminded of God’s joyfulness as he walks us home and sees us laugh. 

As I tell this story, it is not to complain but to explain that yes I am being pushed to the brink of exhaustion. Even on the days that I spend with children (the whole reason I came!), I am in my element but still out of the normal for my life at home. Jesus is good to us, the least I can do is spend my life being pushed the brink of my exhaustion every single day. He is the reason that I am here, He is the reason that I am doing this, He is the only who has called me out of darkness and into His light.