a l o n e

This may just be the hardest post I have ever written, simply because it will be the most raw and may be read as borderline complaining. There is something that is hard to talk about not knowing fully who will read this, and even hard to talk to my own family about. The natural response to most will be to “trust Jesus”, but sometimes that’s easier said than done. 

It’s a hard thing to admit that being in the place that your heart has longed for for 10 months, the place the Gods called you to, that in this place is where you feel the most alone. 

I am an introvert. I don’t mind being alone, I don’t feel the constant need to be around others, and I thrive on cultivating one-on-one relationships. As an introvert, the most frustrating feeling to have is the feeling of being alone. This very feeling goes against my very nature as an introvert. 

I have been here for just 5 days, and yet they have felt like the longest days of my life, and not in the best way. I have said that being here by myself is a completely different experience than being here with a team but truly that is an understatement. 

One of my favorite things to go back in Chino is to drive around in my car and listen to music really loud, or to simply walk around Target staring at all the things I don’t really need but love to look at. Except I enjoy doing this because I am creating room to spend time alone and in my own head.

Here, it’s hard to want to do anything alone, because well, I do so many things alone. Every day I wake up in my room alone, I eat breakfast alone, I walk to school alone, I walk to church alone, (at night) I watch movies (on my computer) alone, I do all of these things alone. Yes, I am waking up and walking to school and being around people who are certainly family yet there will always be this heaviness that ways on my heart as I remember that I certainly am the “odd ball” of the current situation. 

These past few days I have definitely woken up, feeling overwhelmingly alone. I hate that because it feels as though I am letting everyone down because I simply don’t want to be alone. I hate that this is even a problem that I am facing. 

The ironic thing about being an introvert and feeling alone, is that when I come to a place where I surround myself with others, it becomes too overwhelming and I want to go back to my room and sleep (my own personally coping thing) but I can’t and I won’t.  Instead, I will wake up, crawl out of my mosquito net, eat breakfast, get dressed, and go on with my day because THAT is what God’s called me to do. Does that make it any easier? Not necessarily, learning to lean into Jesus is something I have to experience every single day and some days its hard and some days its easy, these past few days have been hard. I pray that as I continue through this adventure of living in this place I love more than anywhere else, I am see how much it truly is NOT about me and how even being alone in my room can be a time for glorifying Jesus with my thoughts as I press into Him even more.

FOLLOW ME

“People who really want to make a difference in the world usually do it, in one way or another. And I’ve noticed something about people who make a difference in the world: They hold the unshakable conviction that individuals are extremely important, that every life matters. They get excited over one smile. They are willing to feed one stomach, educate one mind, and treat one wound. They aren’t determined to revolutionize the world all at once; they’re satisfied with small changes. Over time, though, the small changes add up. Sometimes they even transform cities and nations, and yes, the world.” –Beth Clark

A few months ago, I was given a book called Follow Me by David Platt. This book takes a deeper (but simple) view about when Jesus said “Follow Me”. On the back cover of this book (the last “paragraph”) it says “Two simply words that change everything. You will never be bored. You will always have purpose. You will never lack joy. But it will cost you. This call is not an invitation to pray a prayer. It is a summons to lose your life.” (can you say….POWERFULLY JAW DROPPING TRUTH?!) 

I am SO excited for the 11 people from Valley that are coming to Masii in July (Mom, Dad, Caleb, Sarah, Catie, Rick, Kaleb, Ken, Sean, Jackie, and Ian). Everyone here is SO excited too. I cannot wait for these 11 people, including 6 people whom this will be their first time to Masii, to experience my home and all the joy the people here have to offer. Something that most people don’t really tell you about (except Grandma Kathy, thanks for the heads up) is the unsure reaction of those when you get home. This is “warning” for the team before they even come! 

This is not a criticism to those who have said this but recently when rereading Follow Me, I realized something, we are ALL called to MAKE DISCIPLES, TO GO OUT INTO THE WORLD, TO DIE AND TO LIVE IN CHRIST, TO LIVE IN A WAY THE HONORS CHRIST (even if we screw up every day, we have to work every day towards becoming the person that Jesus has called us to be, but we don’t get to that place of perfection until we get to heaven). We cannot live our lives in a way that simply is a result of our saying the “sinners prayer” (which Platt brings up, is never once in the bible *gasp*). We have to live in a way that truly honors who God is and the sacrifice and grace that Jesus has given to us. 

There is NO reason, to feel weird or awkward about asking someone who has been in the “mission field” for a time about the nitty gritty stuff that happened. No matter where you go or how long or who you go with, you will eventually see something that rocks a foundation you thought you had. Jesus never sends us on “mission trips” to simply remind us that we have more; He does this so that we can GIVE of what we have and what we know about the saving grace of Jesus. As much as Masii is (one of two) of my safe places in the world, it’s not safe because I know that will never get hurt (hello?! Malaria!), or I know what every day will look like or because I fit in (I definitely don’t, mzungu), it’s safe because THIS is the first place that I ever truly saw the joy, the heart, the strength, and the laughter of Jesus. These people are Jesus to me, they exemplify His joy and love every single day. The easiest way for me to see how Jesus works, is how my Grandma Kathy’s heart for Japan is similar to mine for Masii (DIFFERENT because she has years and year on me). I have spent hours with her talking about how the “coming home” reaction is always awkward for me, she has shared with me about how to have grace with those who have never seen or experienced what I have.

I love people. I love to watch people interact with each other. I love that Jesus created people in such a way that EACH person is completely different. I love that going on mission’s trips brings out people’s hearts. Each trip we have taken as a team, everyone has a one specific defining moment, a moment that they will never forget. For example, I love when my mom talks about her “defining” moment being a WEEP center in Kithari slum and how their singing and joy helps her in her daily life even now, and how mine will always be the first time I ever heard a group of Kenyan children sing at the top of their lungs to a Jesus who has saved them from a life of hopelessness. I love that each person is different. Yes, I may love the same TV show as my best friend, I may love the same music as my sister, I may love to read books like my friend, but we are all truly different. Something I have had to learn, is that there is only a certain “level” of info that people can handle, when talking about a 3^rd world country and learning that that’s ok! I will never be able to fully put into words, how I feel when getting of that plane in Nairobi, how I feel when children lovingly scream “teacher Mwende” at me, how I feel when I sit alone in my room at night completely drained of the day’s events then as I prepare my heart to be drained once again (thank you Jesus for the cycle), how I feel when I am completely exhausted and dirty and I go to turn on the shower and it doesn’t work, how I feel by the fact that last year I have two doors for my room (wooden one and a bar gate kind of door with a pad lock) and how now I have a small singular door with a very small lock, how I feel about showering and sleeping with bugs, how I feel about how poorly I actually am at hand washing my own clothes (practice makes perfect?!), or how I truly feel about getting on a plane and about a day and a half later ending up 9,000 miles away from where I started. 

I love this blog and I have found SO much freedom in telling about my journey through Masii.

Yet, most don’t know (but could probably guess), that I don’t proof read my posts before I post them. Why? Because I learned quickly that if I reread it before clicking “publish”, I would change or try to fix something I said to make it sound more like how it may sound better. But I have learned that it doesn’t have to “sound better”, this is real and no its not the nitty gritty, I have fallen in love with a city of people who make me want to write love songs to Jesus every day (blogs instead!) and I have learned that love is better than fear. 

(Yup, who would have thought I was scared! “not I said the fly”)

I may never find the truest words to express how all this poverty and hurt here makes me feel, so instead I choose to see God’s goodness in the midst of hurt. I went to college with some people who also came to Africa for a few months each summer and served and loved on the people here (not in Masii but other places). For a while, I felt like I had people who got it (except they didn’t really want to talk about it, weird) soon though, they broke down and the poverty and hurt was all they could see and they became bitter. That seems crazy to me, hard for me to believe. That is why I won’t (or ill try my best) not to complain about the things here that are different or uncomfortable to me, I can’t live in this place where I make my problems of waterless showers, hand washing my clothes, or bugs in my bed bigger than the problem of poverty and pain that is right outside my door. Yet, after spending hours in prayer, praying to God that I never want that to be me, this place He has called me to is WAY bigger than little me and I never want it to be about what I can do. And THAT is why there is no reason to complain about the things I cannot comprehend, Jesus didn’t send me here to comprehend the poverty, sickness, or pain here. But rather He sent me here because I said YES, I said YES to seeing these people in Heaven, I said YES to comforting (and playing) with these children who see me as “better” (SO NOT!), I said YES every morning here when I step outside unsure of what today will hold. This is not to toot my own horn but rather to share, that this is what we are all called to. We can’t give excuses our whole life because excuses don’t get us into heaven. 

“Two simply words that change everything. You will never be bored. You will always have purpose. You will never lack joy. But it will cost you. This call is not an invitation to pray a prayer. It is a summons to lose your life.” Jesus has already called you, now you just have to listen; I promise that every single second is worth it. YOU HAVE PURPOSE, YOU HAVE A DESTINY, YOU HAVE AN INVITATION TO GIVE UP “COMFORTABLE” AND STEP INTO TRUE JOY IN JESUS.

I am not extraordinary, I am not special, I am not brave, I simply listened to what Jesus asked of me and I never looked back or argued why me. 

 “People from my first home say I'm brave. They tell me I'm strong. They pat me on the back and say, 'Way to go. Good job.' But the truth is, I am not really very brave; I am not really very strong; and I am not doing anything spectacular. I am simply doing what God has called me to do as a person who follows Him. He said to feed His sheep and He said to care for 'the least of these,' so that's what I'm doing, with the help of a lot people who make it possible and in the company of those who make my life worth living”-Katie Davis

For the team that is coming in July, a few things.  First, everyone is already SO excited that you are coming! Second, thank you for saying yes to Jesus and His calling for you to come! Thirdly, thank you for bringing more Mzungus (white man) to Masii J Mom, Dad, Caleb, Sarah, Catie, Rick, Kaleb, Ken, Sean, Jackie, and Ian YOU ARE LOVED, YOU ARE COURAGEOUS, YOU ARE OBEDIENT OF YOUR CALLING, AND JESUS IS SO PROUD. And I am praying for you as you continue to prepare for your trip.

"Welcome home Mwende"

Well its Sunday afternoon, this morning I got to go to church.
Its definitely one of my favorite things to do here.

Today I got ALOT of "Welcome home Mwende", I even got something like "will you stay for two years now?". I certainly am grateful to be home!

Today as I stood in church, I looked out the window as I listened to the heavenly sounding worship of my Kenyan family, I couldn't help but (finally) be brought to tears. I am overwhelmingly grateful for the family I have here.

It is crazy to see all the kids, I spent last summer with, all grown up! I am thankful for them and their lives.

OH how quickly I forgot how much the Kenyans LOVE to have you talk in front of a crowd of them and share with them. Oh how could I forget, I absolutely loath this, I am NOT a public speaker (I'd rather write a blog, hehe). Yet today I came to this simply realization that its not about me, and I should talk and speak simply because they asked (respect, right?!)!!!!

got to see my sweet girl today. can't believe how much she has grown up! LOVE YOU ANNETTE!

“Much as we wish, not one of us can bring back yesterday or shape tomorrow. Only today is ours, and it will not be ours for long, and once it is gone it will never in all time be ours again. Thou only knowest what it holds in store for us, yet even we know something of what it will hold. The chance to speak the truth, to show mercy, to ease another’s burden. The chance to resist evil, to remember all the good times and good people of our past, to be brave, to be strong, to be glad.”-Frederick Buechner

Respect....

we now how to spell it because of the song, but do we understand what it is?

The dictionary.com definition of respect is “esteem for or a sense of the worth or excellence of a person, a personal quality or ability, or something considered as a manifestation of a personal quality or ability”

One of my favorite things about Kenya (among the MANY), is the blatened respect that people have for each other here. Most might find this comment ironic, since in America we may assume that every African person wants to steal and hurt us, hardly! That is not true. Something that has always been so interesting to me, is something we learned upon our first trip here, and that is the view that Kenyans have of Americans. This idea that Kenyans look to Americans as being wealthy and powerfully simple because of our skin color, the moment that one steps out of the bus and into Masii, you can see this displayed so clearly. Children (and sometimes adults who “maturely” walk) run up to and hug and hang on you, but if you look closely, some are literally rubbing your arms like Aladdin rubbing Genies lamp, soon this becomes normal but rather to learn what it really means is astounding. Here they are taught that Americans are wealthy because of the color of their skin, and that if they rub our arms, our wealth will rub off onto them……

(jaw dropping…blank stare)

I am being totally serious. 

Seems odd? Well if they are not shown that the best riches are found in Jesus, where do you think that they will look? 

It’s funny the things that come up in conversation here about money and such. Many teenagers ask me how much I pay for college (I quickly learned to not answer this but to quickly change the subject), or they will ask me about much my tattoo was (if I slip up and don’t cover it completely with my watch, which was a mere $80 but that’s about 6,640 Kenya Shillings), or how much it cost for me to come here (which yes, even to us is a lot!). 

So taken from this point of view, YES it seems almost obvious that they would assume our wealth comes from our skin color, since so much of the Africa continent is so poor and has the same skin tone as them. It’s incredible to walk around here have people (all ages, and both genders), yell “MZUNGU” (white man) or now that they know my name they yell “MWENDE!” And for an instant this persona of the American is a bit shaken because someone is coming into their lives  and “rubbing their arms”, so to speak. 

If anything the people of Kenya, have taught me anything (ppsshh they have taught me A LOT!) it’s how to respect others simply because they are another human being. Here people do this thing called fundraising, they do it for each other, and they do it for things such as weddings, funerals, hospital visits, or anything that would be something that has to be paid for that they can’t pay for. One thing that I have really found incredible here, is the amount of respect that people have for their elders here, if there really is an old person who is standing up because there is no room to sit (which if often) a younger person will immediately get up and give them their seat, if an elderly person needs help with anything there is certainly someone there for them. What’s even more incredible is how the church respects the people who attend it, every single Sunday, they have the visitors stand up (so embarrassing but how welcoming!). If there is someone who is suffering, the offering goes to them, many times causing the workers of the church not to get paid. 

Respect is easier when we have to “respect our elders”, “respect our parents”, or “respect our pastors”, we could do this by saying thank you and being kind to them. But what does it mean to be RESPECTFUL to a small African town, who from an outsiders view has little to give to you (spend 5 minutes here, you realize this is FAR from true), how do we show that we respect them and WHO they are? We show up, we hug, we engulf ourselves in their lives, we eat their food, we drink their tea, we love on their kids, we shop at their daily market, we pay what they ask and don’t barter, we (girls) wear skirts, we don’t wear sparkly jewelry, we look deep in their eyes when they are talking, we pray with them, and we love them. 

As I go to sleep tonight and wake up and go to a church filled with “family” I haven’t seen in 10 months, I am overjoyed with this new opportunity to learn and exemplify respect to those who have taught me so much about it. 

If a person has been hurt or wounded, it takes time to recognize that Jesus is BIGGER than your hurt and woundedness. For me, I have had to learn how to respect myself, after being wounded by someone who I should have never let in. I think that the most important aspect of respect is learning to respect ourselves and in return to respect others even more. “love your neighbor as yourself” we can also say “respect your neighbor as yourself”. It’s the only way to truly love someone. 

Respect is such an extraordinary thing, but I think it has to be learned. There are not enough books or bible verses that will help us to truly comprehend how to respect someone in that specific moment.

What if we truly learn to have “esteem for or a sense of the worth or excellence of a person, a personal quality or ability, or something considered as a manifestation of a personal quality or ability” to those around us, yet also for ourselves?

Matthew 7:12
"Therefore, however you want people to treat you, so treat them, for this is the Law and the Prophets.

finally here!

Well, after too many hours of traveling I am finally here!!!

I left on Wednesday May 15 at noon, flew to Atlanta and arrived there around 6:00 (their time) got some food and coffee, then at 10 pm I got onto my flight to London. I then arrived around 1pm (London time) on May 16, I had a layover until 8 and then hopped on my flight to Nairobi and arrived here at 6:30 this morning.

BYE BYE California!!

A T L A N T A

LONG layover in London but couldn't wait to board Kenya Airways!

FINALLY HOME!!!!

It's a weird feeling to dream about a place every night for SO long, that once you get here you are waiting for someone to pinch you so you can wake up. Even as I am sitting here in my room, with all my stuff unpacked and organized, it still feels so unreal. Seems ironic really, I have dreamed about being back here so much and now I am and it doesnt feel real.

It was so neat to get out of the airport, and drive to Machakos, and honestly not feel nervous at all but rather feel completely at home and completely at peace. I am very grateful to be back and almost have it seem as though everything makes sense. 

Today as I was welcomed home once again, I thought about our five senses and how incredibly blessed we are to be able to truly use each of the senses of hearing, touching, tasting, smelling, and feeling. I loved that right when I got off the plane I could SMELL the familiar smell of burning trash and dust. I loved that when I went to the super market I got to be greeted by people and feel them TOUCH my hand as they said Jambo. I loved HEARing people speak this language that I dont understand yet seems so familiar to me. I loved the FEELing that everyone is (because they are!) always staring at you because you are a mzungu! I loved the delicious TASTE of the samosas and tea I eat for breakfast in Machakos.

As I sit in my room, stupidly exhausted from traveling, I am excited to see and pray about what God will do this summer through my time here. I know that I am incapable of nothing without Jesus and I am so grateful that He uses me here.

Today today today!!!!!!

Well, we are driving to the airport! My heart is overwhelmingly excited. I can't wait to see my family there and be welcomed home! I am nervous about the flight, only because last time I flew to Kenya, Frank was with me, this time I am literally going alone! A bit terrifying but just another step in growing up. As we are driving, I am nervous and feeling like I forgot something! Well I guess I have my passport, my shot record, and the cash for my visa, what else do I need? Pray for me as I step out once again and live three months in a place where Jesus is most clear and ever present to me. Thank you Jesus for this extraordinary adventure.

May 15, 2013

This Wednesday on May 15, 2013 at 11:59, I am getting on a plane at LAX, then flying to Georgia, and then (finally!!) getting on a plane and flying to Niarobi. I am LEAVING this place that I have lived for about 10 months, this place that I am become way too adjusted to, this place where the last few months I have had the immense honor of babysitting other people's precious children (THANK YOU MOORE FAMILY), this place where I have (finally) grown and healed into a person I can be proud of (& I know that Jesus is proud too), this place where I have found a "home" with a family who has taught me how to be a gracious person (THANK YOU LIN FAMILY), the place where the Hoverson clan lives and thrives in the name of Jesus, the place where I lose sleep over missing my students in Masii, the place where I am grateful for the team of people who have supported me to live out my calling in Masii. As I prepare to leave in just two days by packing my stuff, saying goodbyes, skipping on sleep and overloading on people time, doing alot of "lasts"(like washing my clothes in a washer rather than by hand, or using a coffee maker), and truly readying my heart for whats to come.

Today it's two days before I leave, this is always a weird day because if you finish EVERYTHING you need to do before you leave then whats to do tomorrow (haha funny logic?!). Today as I separate and organize a huge pile of STUFF that is currently on the floor in my parents room, I plan to pray over each thing and plead that the Lord truly use everything I am and everything I have to bring glory to His name.

The last few days I have gotten the wonderful blessing to spend alot of time with my family, just the 5 of us, this time is always precious since Sarah lives in Oregon. We got to spend Friday at Disneyland together and then on Sunday for Mothers day we simply spent the whole day relaxing and making smoothies. On Saturday, I got the honor to spend the entire day with the Lins, playing, swimming, nail painting, and huggin on Luke & Bella. It's so incredible to have TWO families who invest in your heart and in your life to the point where saying goodbye will be really hard this time. It's so encouraging to think of who Jesus has sent to be in my life to truly encourage my heart.

It's funny to think of things in a way like "I definitely wont be doing this for 3 months", like using a washer and dyer, using the ice machine on the fridge, not using a mosquito net when I sleep, wearing pants in public (but not now even because its so hot!), doing homework (none for three months?! YAY!), playing elephants (or any animal) with Bella, playing Legos with Luke, hours of conversation (laughing, crying, or serious) with Peggy and Rick, hangin out with the coolest kids on the block (Russell and Grace, and I am referring to how AWESOME they look with their sunglasses on), talking about anything and everything with Gina, doing school work with Caleb, going to Starbucks with my sister, big bear hugs from my dad, shopping with my mom, using my IPhone as my main phone, how fast the interest is here even when it's slow, having my own car to drive around, or even air conditioning.

It's so cliche to talk about how you feel so blessed after living in a third world country, but its so incredibly true. As much as I LOVE MASII and I want to live there every day for forever, I have truly learned how to be grateful and thankful for my family and my life here in Chino.

As I prepare my heart to go HOME, I feel anxious and excited. Anxious that I want to do and be all that God wants me to, and excited (obviously) because I am going home.

PRAY WITH ME I VENTURE ONE MORE SUMMER INTO THE PLACE THAT HAS RAVISHED MY HEART AND THE PEOPLE WHO CALL ME FAMILY.

Thank you Jesus for bringing me this place with a gracious and hungry (for you) heart. Thank you for giving me this calling that had nothing to really do with me but has everything to do with honoring YOU. Thank you for capturing my heart and taking me through a beautiful journey of healing and growth. I am undeserving but overwhelmingly thankful.
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"Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)"

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
[x6]

I will call upon Your Name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine

**This song is incredible and truly expressed how grateful, honored, and protected I feel in Jesus.