a l o n e

This may just be the hardest post I have ever written, simply because it will be the most raw and may be read as borderline complaining. There is something that is hard to talk about not knowing fully who will read this, and even hard to talk to my own family about. The natural response to most will be to “trust Jesus”, but sometimes that’s easier said than done. 

It’s a hard thing to admit that being in the place that your heart has longed for for 10 months, the place the Gods called you to, that in this place is where you feel the most alone. 

I am an introvert. I don’t mind being alone, I don’t feel the constant need to be around others, and I thrive on cultivating one-on-one relationships. As an introvert, the most frustrating feeling to have is the feeling of being alone. This very feeling goes against my very nature as an introvert. 

I have been here for just 5 days, and yet they have felt like the longest days of my life, and not in the best way. I have said that being here by myself is a completely different experience than being here with a team but truly that is an understatement. 

One of my favorite things to go back in Chino is to drive around in my car and listen to music really loud, or to simply walk around Target staring at all the things I don’t really need but love to look at. Except I enjoy doing this because I am creating room to spend time alone and in my own head.

Here, it’s hard to want to do anything alone, because well, I do so many things alone. Every day I wake up in my room alone, I eat breakfast alone, I walk to school alone, I walk to church alone, (at night) I watch movies (on my computer) alone, I do all of these things alone. Yes, I am waking up and walking to school and being around people who are certainly family yet there will always be this heaviness that ways on my heart as I remember that I certainly am the “odd ball” of the current situation. 

These past few days I have definitely woken up, feeling overwhelmingly alone. I hate that because it feels as though I am letting everyone down because I simply don’t want to be alone. I hate that this is even a problem that I am facing. 

The ironic thing about being an introvert and feeling alone, is that when I come to a place where I surround myself with others, it becomes too overwhelming and I want to go back to my room and sleep (my own personally coping thing) but I can’t and I won’t.  Instead, I will wake up, crawl out of my mosquito net, eat breakfast, get dressed, and go on with my day because THAT is what God’s called me to do. Does that make it any easier? Not necessarily, learning to lean into Jesus is something I have to experience every single day and some days its hard and some days its easy, these past few days have been hard. I pray that as I continue through this adventure of living in this place I love more than anywhere else, I am see how much it truly is NOT about me and how even being alone in my room can be a time for glorifying Jesus with my thoughts as I press into Him even more.