pain.

just avoid it....pain is too painful.....

pathetic, right?!

This morning, my "supercaligragilisticexpialidocious" alarm clock went off at 7:00am. I groaned as I was thankful it was only Sunday, yet unsure about the work load I had to get done today. Under my covers, I was warm and my body was at rest, so I picked up my phone and opened my email, nothing much exciting there; then I opened Instagram, nothing crazy there either; then I opened Facebook (which I hate going on, on my phone cause its slow), and what pops up? beautiful pictures of Rwandan children.......

all of a sudden my eyes exploded and poured out salty tears like I haven't had in awhile, at least definitely not over missing Kenya.

Embarrassingly I am writing this to say that I have painfully been avoiding in my brain to think about Masii. why? because honestly it hurts! for the past few years, I have spent so much time bawling my eyes out over missing the people of Masii.

I have been home for about 87 days....which is almost equal to the amount of time that I was IN Kenya. So at what point, do the hours of going to class, work, and doing homework, feel trivial to the things that I saw and did while I was in Kenya? I have never wanted to come home and be the person that regrets EVERYTHING they have and feels guilty about EVERYTHING and eventually walks away from her calling to go to Kenya....thats not me and honestly I dont think it ever will be.

BUT.

Its embarrassing to say that I have avoided it, I have officially become the Tumaini that sends in her money for her sweet sponsored girl (Mwende) and prays for her but thats it. For me, its been hard NOT to think about it because well I have pictures plastered all over my walls and in my car and on my phone. but really, its hard to miss them, hard to wish that I could be there, while knowing that finishing school is my priority and focus right now.

with that note...
I should be getting back to my 10 page paper on "California's involvement in the Civil War"

All in all, I dont want to avoid it any more. I want to look at pictures, write posts about it, posts pictures about it, and really feel it, even if it hurts. Because no matter what I serve a Jesus who has NEVER left my side, and I know that even if I shed a few tears, He is ok with that :)

HOPE, STRENGTH, LOVE GRATEFULNESS, and JOY

As Christians we are constantly throwing around words like HOPE, STRENGTH, LOVE GRATEFULNESS, and JOY. 

I (obviously) have not written a blog post in a long time but its really been on my heart lately to write something. 

I have officially been back at Point Loma for about 70 days (give or take).I live with a family off campus and pay (alot) rent there, I work 3 jobs, help with church kids choir and Sunday school (kindergarten). and so on and so forth. Basically (like everyone else) I am very busy (& loving every minute). 

and you know what?!

school is hard! 

Since I have been at school almost every day feel overwhelming. Most (week) nights as I lay my head down, my head barely hits the pillow before I am dead asleep. Most days when I come home from school, I have already had at least 5 hours of work, 4 hours of class and at least (already) 2 hours of homework (with much yet to be done).....phew just writing that makes me wanna take a nap. But every day I come home and think of the works HOPE, STRENGTH, LOVE, GRATEFULNESS, and JOY.

-no matter how "bad" of a day I have had, I have hope that there are only 3 more weeks until Thanksgiving, 6 weeks til Christmas, and only 6 months and two days till graduation. 

-no matter how week I am feeling, every day I know that I can only find my strength in Jesus and through HIS wisdom. 

-no matter how stupid or unworthy I feel at the end of the day, I know that Jesus (& a select few) have and will never leave and will always love me, no matter how bad of a day I have had. 

-Everyday on my way to school, and then 12 hours later on my way home, I just want to explode with thankfulness, that I am so incredibly honored to go to Point Loma and to live where I do. 

-Sometimes the immensity of joy in Jesus is overwhelming. I have so many wonderful people in my life whom have contributed to my every day intake of conversation and love yet  Jesus created me just the way he wanted. And every day I just want to honor him with my whole being. 

All in all, school, work and life has been completely crazy but its funny how I am really learning to rest in Jesus when I am feeling doubtful and frustrated by every day things at school or just life.

What a beautiful love story we have with Jesus, HE who gave us ALL and allows us to freely receive his everything every day. Recently I had ALOT of hard days in a row, with REAL life situations that really sucked, and the only way I got through it was sinking my whole self into my Jesus Calling book, my bible, and a small nap. (I have also learned that NAPS are a heavenly gift from the Lord) 

"I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go. I will meet all your needs according to My glorious riches. Nothing in all creation will be able to separate you from My Love." (Jesus Calling- November 5)

"There is a time for everything"

Today I woke up 9,000 away from where a woke up just two days ago. 

I woke and realized I wasnt sleeping under a mosquito net, last night I turned on the shower and warm water came out without any hesitation, yesterday I washed all my clothes in our nice washing machine (well actually my mom did, thanks mom!), last night I slept on a bad that's a full instead of a small twin, this morning I plugged in my straightener without having to use a converter, Yesterday went downstairs and opened the refrigerator to find lots of food, last night my wonderful mom dyed and cut my hair and I got to use REAL conditioner for my poor dried out hair, last night I jumped my car and drove somewhere.....

These things may seem silly but in the last 20 hours I have realized how grateful I am for these small things but also how much I take it for granted. Yeah yeah, how cliche to come back from Africa and be grateful and wanting not to take anything for granted blah blah blah. Everyone says it when they come home, but I think we are missing the point. I am grateful because I have "lived without" (loose term) for 3 months, I don't want to take it for granted because I never want to become complacent with my life. We should always be pushing ourselves closer to The Lord in a way that makes us want to continually bring things into our lives and take things out of our lives in a mindset to grow closer to him. 

This time coming home, I wasn't as sad and it wasn't as hard. I prayed before I even left to go to Kenya that The Lord would prepare me for the next season in my life and OH did he ever! I realized awhile ago that in Ecclesiastes 3:1, it says "For everything there is an appointed time, and an appropriate time for every activity on earth." What a beautiful sentiment that The Lord shares with us ahead of time that nothing in our lives is forever except for Him. I am so grateful, honored, and blessed that I was allowed to teach at Masii Academy, work with Tumaini and Masii Christian Chapel for the last 3 months. 

There is nothing that will change how much I love Masii or how certain I am that I am called there, but today on August 17 after being home for less than 24 hours, I am so thankful to be home in California. 

Pray for me.

Well, my time here is quickly coming to an end. As I spend my last few days here, I can’t help but be in awe of all the things that God has allowed me to do and experience since I have been here.

• I was able to visit Wamunyu Special School, three times. This school and these students have such a unique and special place in my heart.
• I was able to do ministry with Pastor William and Pastor James at Mwangaza School. What a blessing this was! I was so honored to share my testimony with them and truly share with them all that the Lord has to offer them.
• I was able to teach school (again) at Masii Academy. I learned SO much about the kind of teacher I want to be and different ways to present myself and the material to my students.
• I was able to meet my new baby sister, Jessica and spend more time with my Kenyan mom and dad. I am so blessed that they take such good care of me, always.
• I was able to become very close to Elder Henry’s family. I spent so much time with Mama David, David, and Keziah. I am so honored that they allow to buy them presents and to become a part of their family.
• I was able to work closely with the Tumaini office here. I was able to help video tape kids for the marathon next year and grow closer to all of the staff here.
• I was able to begin to support a little girl through Tumaini. What a blessing to meet her, hug her, and kiss her! I love her so much!
• I was able to spend time with the team that came from Valley! I am so grateful that they came and that I was able to share with them the things that have gripped my heart forever and to work alongside them in ministry was such a gift. Mom, Dad, Sarah, Caleb, Kaleb, Rick, Ken, Catie, Sean, Jackie, & Ian, KNOW that YOU are missed and everyone is so glad that you came and keeps asking when you will come back! KNOW that you changed SO many lives here!
• I was able to spend time with the many teams that have come to Masii. Yuma, Parkcrest, Downey, and Wisconsin, thank you for all you did while you were here! Everyone was so blessed by your presence.
• I was able to preach and give my testimony at church. What an incredible honor to stand before both my American & Kenyan family and proclaim the victory that Jesus has had in my life.
• I was able to and completely honored to go visit Faith at her school, and meet all of her friends and teachers. Faith has changed my life in so many ways that I can’t even begin to name. I am so blessed by her constant love in my life.

I am so thankful for these past 3 months and how God has moved and changed my heart. I am grateful that He called me here and that not one single second had He ever left me alone.

As I spend my last 3 full days in Masii, I ask that you pray for me.

• Pray that my heart will become completely as peace with coming home, and knowing that I will come back.
• Pray that I will never forget all that I experienced and did.
• Pray that I can cherish my last days here.
• Pray that I can honor the people here with my last days and last words as I say goodbye.
• Pray that my nerves of leaving from an airport that was on fire last week will be gone and I will be filled with God’s peace.
• Pray that as I pack my stuff, that everything will fit! J

Thank you for everyone who read my blogs and really encouraged me since I have been here! I am in awe of how God used YOU in my life. Thank you so much. 

"The Lord bless you and keep you; 

The Lord make His face shine upon you, 
And be gracious to you; 
The Lord lift up His countenance upon you, 
And give you peace."

Number 6:24-26

Freedom.

Freedom means "the power to determine action without restraint". (dictionary.com)

We celebrate the 4^th of July, for some people they celebrate it even bigger than Christmas. But WHAT is freedom? Is it simply the thing we celebrate on the 4^th day of the 7^th month every year?  Is it something that came out of the revolutionary war? Can the term freedom only be used when you are not physically in shackles anymore?

Recently in my life, I have learned what FREEDOM and HEALING in Jesus looks (& feels) like. We sing so many songs about Jesus being our Savior. But honestly, for me, I never even understood why we sang that, I never saw what I needed saving from. I wish that I could share what the last year has been for me, and what Jesus has done in my life and in my heart. Thankfully, (I learned) Jesus DID SAVE ME, from so many things, mostly from the hurt and pain, I had and that kept inside myself.

I recently heard a song called ALIVE by Hillsong Young and Free. It is by the youth of Hillsong church, which I didn’t even know until after I started reading more about this project. I love this song because EVERY SINGLE WORD speaks truth and brings light to the FREEDOM that Jesus brings to our lives. I also love this song because it’s a song that we would jump around to at camp or one that makes you want to scream the words or dance to it.

Here are the lyrics:

I was lost with a broken heart

You picked me up, now I’m set apart

From the ash I am born again

Forever saved in the Saviors hands

You are more than my words could say

I’ll follow you, Lord, for all my days

Fix my eyes follow in your ways

Forever free in unending grace

Chorus:

Cause you are, you are, you are my freedom

We lift you higher, lift you higher,

Your love, your love, your love never ending

You are alive in us, nothing can take your place

You are all we need, your love had set us free

In the midst of the darkest night

Let your love be the shining light

Breaking chains that were holding me

You send your Son down to set me free

Everything in this world will fade

I’m pressing on till I see your face

I will live that your will be done

I won’t stop till your kingdom come

Chorus (2x)

HERE IS THE LINK TO LISTEN TO THE SONG ON YOUTUBE:

Isn’t it neat, that our lives, what we have done, what we are doing, and what we will do, is all because of the FREEDOM we have in Jesus?!

There is freedom in the idea that where I live (both in Chino and Masii) I can worship a Savior who never fails. There is freedom in the idea that I CAN go to places where there are people who cannot worship Jesus freely, yet I am called to GO to THOSE places. There is freedom in the way we live our lives. The very essence of WHO Jesus is, screams freedom. God gave his ONLY son, to DIE, so that I am CHOOSE (and not be “forced) to be in love with a Savior, who daily saves me from myself.

So thankful for the FREEDOM I feel to be called to somewhere I now call home, that even at the end of 3 months at "home" I one day begin to feel "homesick" for Chino and for my family. THAT freedom is ONLY found in Jesus. (He never said it would be easy, He just asks us to say YES)

I am so grateful to be in love with a Savior who is constantly granting me more people to share who HE is with them. I am so grateful to serve a God who never looked at my life and said “this is too bad” or “I am done with you”, He continually surpasses the small things I can understand, and proves again how BIG HE IS.

I am thankful that  as I prepare to go back to Chino, and begin (now) to stress about the things that seem too big for me to handle, I am thankful to be in love with Jesus, who continues to take my burdens and carry them for me. I am thankful that He has gone before me and settled everything that I cannot see.

As I listen to this song, ALIVE by Hillsong Young and Free, I cannot help but cry and be reminded of Jesus great love for us that He displays through the FREEDOM that He gives us. I am so honored that I was called to Masii for these last 3 months (11 days to go), and that HE mended my broken heart (& spirit) so that I may come and share HIS light and what He has done in me with the people here.

Thank you, Jesus for this extraordinary life and this incomprehensible journey. 

today.

Well, the team left yesterday. Today, I decided that I would “sleep in” and relax, which actually turned into waking up at 6:45 and being busy all morning (visiting the women of WE care, going to the clinic, and the market) and doing laundry all afternoon. Needless to say, my “eventful” plans for the day had been squashed.

I just got off the phone with my grandma Kathy, I am so thankful for the times that I get to talk to her and I am only able to express half of how I am feeling but she understands even the things I don’t say. Which in return has now helped me to write this random entry of a blog post. 

Today, I have felt every emotion possible, or at least it sure feels like it.

I felt happy because I got to hold baby Jessica for a few hours.

I felt frustrated because the soap wasn’t coming out of the clothes as I was hand washing them today.

I felt joyful because I am so blessed to be here.

I felt anxious because I was alone in my room.

I felt lonely because our team left yesterday.

I felt thankful when I got to talk with my grandma on the phone.

I felt mad when my internet bundles ran out.

I felt relieved when I looked up my flight home and realized that I get to have two check-in bags.

I felt jealous when the teams here were all playing cards together, wishing that our team was here.

Most deeply, I think that I am feeling guilty because I am grateful that I am going home in 16 days. Not because I don’t like it here. But because of the growth I have experienced over the past year, I have spent the last few months really feeing and carrying the hurt of others, here in Masii.

These may not be all the emotions in existence but definitely more than one person should handle in just one day.

In short, I am going to sleep VERY exhausted tonight, simply from feeling so much today.

This is NOT complaining but rather a recognition (that I am sharing with you) of my feelings.

I pray, that as I wake up tomorrow that I will be renewed through the strength and joy of Jesus. I am so thankful that even after having an “off” day, Jesus continues to bless me with another day to bring glory to His name. 

(I also pray that the teams here don't think I am unfriendly or antisocial, since I didn't spend much time with them today)

Faith (again!)

Today was a really hard day for me.

Tomorrow, Faith has to go back to boarding school. Since the teachers strike messed up this term for them, they have to stay all of August instead of coming home that month. All in all, this means TODAY is the last day that I get to see Faith until the next time that I come to Kenya. This is a hard fact to face. It's hard because she is my "person", my best friend, the most constant thing in my life, the one who makes days better, and the person who has really shown me what it looks like to love another person.

I knew that today would be heard but this morning I decided that I wouldn't cry (at least not in front of Faith), but really to enjoy every minute. But really, who was I kidding?! I am a total crier.

Last week, Faith and I got matching skirts made from fabric that SHE picked out. And today was the day we would wear them, and boy was I excited! (Sarah and Mary also got matching skirts)

This morning, when she arrived at church, I went out to meet her (SHE LOOKED SO CUTE IN HER SKIRT!). I hugged her for a long time and eventually we went inside to listen to my dad preach the sermon. When second service was over, I turned to leave (holding Faith's hand) but I paused, I could feel something was wrong. I turned to look at Faith and she has huge alligator tears rolling down her sweet cheeks. I took her hand and rushed outside behind the church, while figuring out what the "mature" and "adult" way to react to this would be. As we got outside, I realized I was milliseconds away from bawling my eyes out. I hugged Faith as tight as I could, realizing that at this point she is crying so hard that she is sobbing and shaking. At this point, I feel so bad but yet I realize how different this time, this time that we are parting if different from the other times.

I have always ached with sadness as I have had to leave Faith many times. But THIS time, she is feeling the aching, and I know how she is feeling and I wish I could take that from her!

For all of the third service, we sat outside, together, our feet hanging over the edge of a wall, laughing, talking, and huggin on each other. I am SO thankful for this time that we get to spend time by ourselves.

After church, Mary (Faiths sister), Faith, and Sarah and I all went into my room and spent time together and watched movies. We watched Toy Story, Lion King, and Cinderella. (Watching Lion King was THE BEST IDEA EVER, they loved it!)

Its hard to see the person you love, in pain. It's hard to see that person cry, and feel like its your fault. I am so thankful for Jesus' grace that allows us to LOVE and MISS other people. I love Faith so much and I miss her every day that we are not together.

Saying goodbye to Faith does NOT get easier, rather is gets harder as she grows up and begins to understand more and more of how much we mean to each other and how far away I actually am. I am so thankful for her and all she has taught me. Please pray for her as she goes back to school tomorrow.