pain.

just avoid it....pain is too painful.....

pathetic, right?!

This morning, my "supercaligragilisticexpialidocious" alarm clock went off at 7:00am. I groaned as I was thankful it was only Sunday, yet unsure about the work load I had to get done today. Under my covers, I was warm and my body was at rest, so I picked up my phone and opened my email, nothing much exciting there; then I opened Instagram, nothing crazy there either; then I opened Facebook (which I hate going on, on my phone cause its slow), and what pops up? beautiful pictures of Rwandan children.......

all of a sudden my eyes exploded and poured out salty tears like I haven't had in awhile, at least definitely not over missing Kenya.

Embarrassingly I am writing this to say that I have painfully been avoiding in my brain to think about Masii. why? because honestly it hurts! for the past few years, I have spent so much time bawling my eyes out over missing the people of Masii.

I have been home for about 87 days....which is almost equal to the amount of time that I was IN Kenya. So at what point, do the hours of going to class, work, and doing homework, feel trivial to the things that I saw and did while I was in Kenya? I have never wanted to come home and be the person that regrets EVERYTHING they have and feels guilty about EVERYTHING and eventually walks away from her calling to go to Kenya....thats not me and honestly I dont think it ever will be.

BUT.

Its embarrassing to say that I have avoided it, I have officially become the Tumaini that sends in her money for her sweet sponsored girl (Mwende) and prays for her but thats it. For me, its been hard NOT to think about it because well I have pictures plastered all over my walls and in my car and on my phone. but really, its hard to miss them, hard to wish that I could be there, while knowing that finishing school is my priority and focus right now.

with that note...
I should be getting back to my 10 page paper on "California's involvement in the Civil War"

All in all, I dont want to avoid it any more. I want to look at pictures, write posts about it, posts pictures about it, and really feel it, even if it hurts. Because no matter what I serve a Jesus who has NEVER left my side, and I know that even if I shed a few tears, He is ok with that :)

HOPE, STRENGTH, LOVE GRATEFULNESS, and JOY

As Christians we are constantly throwing around words like HOPE, STRENGTH, LOVE GRATEFULNESS, and JOY. 

I (obviously) have not written a blog post in a long time but its really been on my heart lately to write something. 

I have officially been back at Point Loma for about 70 days (give or take).I live with a family off campus and pay (alot) rent there, I work 3 jobs, help with church kids choir and Sunday school (kindergarten). and so on and so forth. Basically (like everyone else) I am very busy (& loving every minute). 

and you know what?!

school is hard! 

Since I have been at school almost every day feel overwhelming. Most (week) nights as I lay my head down, my head barely hits the pillow before I am dead asleep. Most days when I come home from school, I have already had at least 5 hours of work, 4 hours of class and at least (already) 2 hours of homework (with much yet to be done).....phew just writing that makes me wanna take a nap. But every day I come home and think of the works HOPE, STRENGTH, LOVE, GRATEFULNESS, and JOY.

-no matter how "bad" of a day I have had, I have hope that there are only 3 more weeks until Thanksgiving, 6 weeks til Christmas, and only 6 months and two days till graduation. 

-no matter how week I am feeling, every day I know that I can only find my strength in Jesus and through HIS wisdom. 

-no matter how stupid or unworthy I feel at the end of the day, I know that Jesus (& a select few) have and will never leave and will always love me, no matter how bad of a day I have had. 

-Everyday on my way to school, and then 12 hours later on my way home, I just want to explode with thankfulness, that I am so incredibly honored to go to Point Loma and to live where I do. 

-Sometimes the immensity of joy in Jesus is overwhelming. I have so many wonderful people in my life whom have contributed to my every day intake of conversation and love yet  Jesus created me just the way he wanted. And every day I just want to honor him with my whole being. 

All in all, school, work and life has been completely crazy but its funny how I am really learning to rest in Jesus when I am feeling doubtful and frustrated by every day things at school or just life.

What a beautiful love story we have with Jesus, HE who gave us ALL and allows us to freely receive his everything every day. Recently I had ALOT of hard days in a row, with REAL life situations that really sucked, and the only way I got through it was sinking my whole self into my Jesus Calling book, my bible, and a small nap. (I have also learned that NAPS are a heavenly gift from the Lord) 

"I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go. I will meet all your needs according to My glorious riches. Nothing in all creation will be able to separate you from My Love." (Jesus Calling- November 5)