pain.

just avoid it....pain is too painful.....

pathetic, right?!

This morning, my "supercaligragilisticexpialidocious" alarm clock went off at 7:00am. I groaned as I was thankful it was only Sunday, yet unsure about the work load I had to get done today. Under my covers, I was warm and my body was at rest, so I picked up my phone and opened my email, nothing much exciting there; then I opened Instagram, nothing crazy there either; then I opened Facebook (which I hate going on, on my phone cause its slow), and what pops up? beautiful pictures of Rwandan children.......

all of a sudden my eyes exploded and poured out salty tears like I haven't had in awhile, at least definitely not over missing Kenya.

Embarrassingly I am writing this to say that I have painfully been avoiding in my brain to think about Masii. why? because honestly it hurts! for the past few years, I have spent so much time bawling my eyes out over missing the people of Masii.

I have been home for about 87 days....which is almost equal to the amount of time that I was IN Kenya. So at what point, do the hours of going to class, work, and doing homework, feel trivial to the things that I saw and did while I was in Kenya? I have never wanted to come home and be the person that regrets EVERYTHING they have and feels guilty about EVERYTHING and eventually walks away from her calling to go to Kenya....thats not me and honestly I dont think it ever will be.

BUT.

Its embarrassing to say that I have avoided it, I have officially become the Tumaini that sends in her money for her sweet sponsored girl (Mwende) and prays for her but thats it. For me, its been hard NOT to think about it because well I have pictures plastered all over my walls and in my car and on my phone. but really, its hard to miss them, hard to wish that I could be there, while knowing that finishing school is my priority and focus right now.

with that note...
I should be getting back to my 10 page paper on "California's involvement in the Civil War"

All in all, I dont want to avoid it any more. I want to look at pictures, write posts about it, posts pictures about it, and really feel it, even if it hurts. Because no matter what I serve a Jesus who has NEVER left my side, and I know that even if I shed a few tears, He is ok with that :)