Malaria

I had been feeling sick since Saturday, it was now Monday. I am laying on my bed keeled over in pain, bawling my eyes out.

this is it. this is the worst pain I have ever experienced. oh God please make it stop.
 
 On Saturday, I figured that I just got sick from some bad food I had, or even from being too exhausted. Oh no, this pain was different. It was excruciating and SO painful at moments I felt as though I could not breathe. It's Monday night, I did not stay at the office today, due to the pain. As I go back to my room, I can barely muster the energy to lie down, let alone walk as far as the bathroom. The only thing I can think to do is lay "upside down" on my bed, head hanging off the side of my bed, my body across the bed width ways. I then curl up in the tiniest ball I can, thinking maybe that will help, I spend the next 5 hours switching back and forth praying each time that the pain will leave and maybe I can rest. Along with the pain, was the fever, I had the fan on but every second I changed from hot to cold to hot to cold. As two of my dear friends (Esther and Kelvin), sit and stare at me as I keel over in agony, they try to comfort me and encourage me to go to the hospital. 

me?! go to the hospital? in a foreign country? 9,000 miles away from my mom? that's got to be a joke!

time goes by I try to rest my body and try to not think about it.

well that didnt work

I look at both of them, cry and say I think there is something VERY wrong, I think I need to go to the clinic tomorrow, they both agree without hesitation.Esther comes and sits next to me, feels my head, I cry to her that I feel hot and then cold and hot and then cold. She gets a small towel and puts an ice cube in it, I pathetically laugh as she place it on my head, I poke fun at it but it is helping. It is now 7, my friends have to leave. I cry, afraid to be alone and be in pain.


oh God, please make this pain stop. please grant me time of no pain or less pain just to sleep. 

Needless to say that did not happen. I closed my eyes but could not sleep, I put in my headphones attempting to drown out the pain.

It is now Tuesday morning, I am completely exhausted, I get out from under my mosquito net (is there even any point of sleeping under it at this point?). I look down at my clothes and realize they are the same clothes I was wearing yesterday.

WOW. That's embarrassing. 

I grab a different shirt and dont even attempt to change any other part of my clothing, my bed aches with every move as I change my shirt and put on my sweater.

Oh gosh.

I step outside, ITS RAINING. I smile, thankful once again for God's mercy through the most beautiful weather in the most wonderful place in the whole world (dont worry its a fact, not an opinion :)) I walk with Sarah to the clinic, thankful that I do not have to walk alone.

I am SO tired, I just want to sleep

The clinic is just past school, I become very sad as I remember that it's Tuesday and I should have gone to school today. I am heartbroken, as my heart aches to just move my body a little to the left and just walk to the place where I know I can find joy and laughter.

I can't. I need to use what energy I do have to walk to the clinic.

We arrive at the clinic. I tell the doctor my symptoms (hot/cold/hot/cold, excruciating stomach pains, headache, weakness, and tired), she writes them down and I take them with me to another doctor in the next room. This doctor asks if he can take my blood, and I say of course. He takes it and tests it, it takes a few minutes.As he does, we talk.

"So what are the symptoms you are having?"
"I am VERY tired, my body feels so weak, I am hot and cold and hot and cold constantly, I have excruciating stomach pains and I have a headache. All of these symptoms are constant and all at the same time."
"ok, well it sounds like you are having half the symptoms of Malaria and half the symptoms of Typhoid fever."

Um, excuse me, I cannot have Typhoid Fever. I paid $90 for a stupid Typhoid shot before I came here

I reply "ok, so what does that mean?"
He gets up and go to examine the blood he took.
He sits back down and says
"Well you have Malaria"

Is this a joke?! ok, hahaha, very funny, whats really wrong?

"ok, so what should I do now?"
"Well I will give you a prescription and you will take it next door and they will fill it for you."
"ok"
He write the prescription, I say thank you.
I go next door, not even able to imagine what kind of medicine and how much I will need to take.
I sit down, I give the doctor the piece of paper.
"Here you go"
"Thank you"
He points at the bag with the small pink pills (they look JUST like M&M's), "take 2 of these 3 times a day for three days", He points at a white box with white writing (later I learn that there are blue pills inside that look like chewables, they weren't though!), "take one of these 3 times a day for three days."

 


Holy moly! That's alot of pills! 





"Thank you" I say as I leave the clinic.

As I walk back to the Peter Mulei building (where I am staying), I call my dad.
"Hi dad."
"Hi, how are you feelin?"
"I am ok. I feel so weak. I just went to the clinic. I have malaria"

Did those words really just come out of my mouth? 
Is this really happening?

"you have malaria?"
"yeah"
I want to cry, but I know that I need to hold it together at least until I get off the  phone with my dad.

"I love you dad"
"I love you too and I miss you. take your medicine and drink lots of water, we are praying for you"
"ok, I will"
"call your mom too, she is worried"
"ok I will, love you"

"hi mom"
"hi, Emmy"
"I went to the clinic, and I have malaria"
"I am so sorry, Emmy."
"it's ok, mom. I am just going to rest and take my medicine"
"ok. good. Dont forget to drink water"
"ok, I wont."
"I love you mom"
"I love you too Emmy"

(granted these were short conversations because it was midnight their time and they were at CIY)

As I hangup, I am thankful for the fact that I can call my mom whenever I want. I am thankful for caring and loving parents. I am thankful as I realize that, unlike many people whom I have fallen in love with here, I am just getting malaria for the first time at the age of 21.

I sigh...
begging my legs to walk faster and for time to speed up to the moment when I get to lay my head down on my pillow.  

On my way back, I call Mary from Shammah hotel who makes my food, knowing that I need to eat something to be able to take my medicine but eating is literally the last thing I want to do at the moment.
she answers
"Good morning"
"HI. How are you?"
"I am fine thank you. did you not go to school today?" (she asks this because her kids are in my class)
"No, I just got back from the clinic. I am very sick"
"I am so sorry. Are you ok?"
um, no I feel like I am going to die. 
"yes, I am ok. I just need a little food to take my medicine."
I ask for some tea and a mendazi, kind of like a plain donut without the loads of sugar.
My stomach twitches at the thought of eating. I finally make it back, I muster up the energy to finally change my clothes. There a knock the door, its the food. I open the door, smile at the man who brought it, take it, close the door. I sit down, take a bit of the mendazi and take the medicine, I take one more bite of the mendazi and put it aside.

SIGH
FINALLY

I am so thankful for my "things of home" as I wrap myself in my favorite blanket and lay my head down on my oh so familiar bright pink pillow case.

My stomach is twitching with utter pain as I try to get my body to relax. The medicine is working, I can feel it. My stomach begins to slow itself down. I am thankful.
I close my eyes.
I sleep for about 2 hours.

Thank you Jesus that you created sleep as a part of life, no matter what part of the day it is. 

I wake up to an aching pain.

OH NO NOT AGAIN

I check my clock. It's only been 2 and a half hours since I last took the medicine.

dang it! 

I lay back in utter agony.


This is going to be THE longest day of my life. 


The day drug on as I cried my eyes out in pain and clung to my pillow to hopes that the pain would go away.

I ordered food, not out of hunger but simply to take my medicine. I recognize that I have not eaten three meals a day since I have been here and now I have to eat simply to take medicine. Each time I take the medicine, I take one bite, take the medicine, take one more bite and I am done, afraid that if I eat anymore it will come back up.

 That night I called my mom, my Grandma Judy and my Grandma Kathy.
As I talk to eat of them and recount the day, the pain, and the sickness, I am hit with an overwhelming feeling of loneliness.

I am all alone.

There is no one to hold or hand or make me feel better. I fight back the tears as I make it through these three very important phone calls. As I talk to my Grandma Kathy last, I hang up. Unable to hold back any longer, I burst into tears. This is by far the most alone I have felt since I have been here, and maybe even in my whole life.

Loneliness.

This was a feeling I have been dreading to feel and now I feel it at my weakness moment. To be alone, to feel lonely. I am 9,000 miles away from my family, sick, in a foreign country, alone. This is horrible.

It's night time here.
I know I need to sleep.
I have taken my 3 pills 3 times this day.
I climb under my mosquito net and try with all my might to push all of the pain of malaria and loneliness away.
I somehow fall asleep for a little while.

I check the time on the clock

7:30am

I close my eyes again.
Once again I check the time on the clock.

9:03am

From underneath my mosquito, not really able to move, I order something to take with my medicine.

I am overcome with an overwhelming sense of loneliness once again.
So I do the only thing I have energy for, I reach over and open Jesus Calling.

JULY 18
"I am nearer than you think, richly present in all your moments. You are connected to ME by Love-bonds that nothing can sever. However, you may sometimes feel alone, because your union with Me is invisible. Ask me to open your eyes, so that you can find Me everywhere. The more aware you are of My Presence, the safer you feel. This is not some sort of escape from reality; it is tuning into the ultimate reality. I am far more Real than the world you can see, hear, and touch. Faith is the confirmation of things we do not see and the conviction of their reality, perceiving as real fact what is not revealed to the senses." Acts 17:27-28, Hebrews 11:1

whoa.
I can't move.
I just sit, in agonizing pain yet breathtaking peace.

"It's going to be ok. I am here, just rest." He whispers in my ear

As I lay back down, I wrap myself in the Father's embrace and now that one day this pain wont be so bad.

As the day went on, I attempted to get ready to see Pastor William and Maggy in the office, but I only stayed for the short time for my energy was not good enough to barely sit up.

I rested for the rest of the night.

Thursday came.

 I need to go to school.

I wake up and get ready and will all of my energy, I walk to school. I can barely stand up as I stand in front of 10 little students I have gone a week without seeing and miss with all my heart. As I write each lesson on the board I get more and more physically exhausted. At one point, my arm fell as I was writing and the chalk shattered as it hit the ground and all my kids scream "sorry!" (which happens every time I drop something)

I stay until 12:30, I leave right before lunch, completely and utterly exhausted.

As I make my way home, I thank God for the energy and the time I could go to school. I go back and rest thankful that this is the last day that I have to take my medicine, hopefully that tomorrow I will feel better.

Friday is here and I feel better, now my body just feel exhausted, like someone used me as a punching bag.

Today is Friday, I am blessed to say I went until almost 2:30 without resting.
This sickness is weird because it is all inward and lots of fatigue.
Even almost a week later, I still feel it. 
Every day I will get stronger, I just know it.

This sickness has made me grateful for the health that I do have, and for the strong immune system I have been given. I am thankful for the resources to be able to get the medicine, when so many die without it.

As it is Friday night here, I am about to lay down and go to sleep, I am worried as I think about how I only have 19 more days left. And then I remember THANK YOU JESUS I HAVE 19 DAYS LEFT! :)



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