some things on my mind.

well, here it is, the blog post I wanted to avoid writing but I knew that the time would come.
I have been:
pulled
pushed
stretched
exhausted
overwhelmed
emotional
lonely
for the past few days.
really thats it.
I dont want to complain because I actually feel more at home here than ever before. I know that these feelings are just a reassurance of what the Lord has called me to.  I know that these are emotions of living in the reality of the calling and the dream.
This is what it truly feels like to be pulled and pushed into the will of God. It honestly feels horrible, until you step into the arms of Jesus and rest. I think it's funny because I can't count how many people (here in Masii and in the US) have told me how great it is that I said yes to what the Lord has called me to, or that I am SO brave, or that I am such a good Christian because I am listening to the Lord (whatever that means). YES it was easy, it might have been the easiest thing I have ever done, to say yes. But what has come since then has been the hard part. I never once doubted that the Lord would provide financially for me to come, He called me, why would He make money a hurdle too big to cross? The hardest part is waking up every single day, knowing that I will be challenged beyond I think what I can handle, and challenged more than I was the day before. And want to know something? There is NOT a single thing I would change since I have been here. Everything that has happened has been glorifying to the Lord in some way or another.
The past few days, I have really been thinking alot about the difference between life here and life in California, needless to say I think it may be safe to say its close to the opposite. I am learning that so many people I love (here) go to sleep without eating and wake up not sure if they will eat at all, I meet children who go to school smiling, yet knowing that their meal at school is the only one they will get all day. So where do I go from here? How does my heart not literally break from this heartache? At what point do you stop asking why me and not them? I see these people and then go back to my room and order my food which is then brought to me, and I MIGHT eat it all. Last Thursday, Friday and Saturday, I didnt eat anything, I ended up only having one piece of chipati on Saturday but that was it, I didnt eat simply because I wasn't hungry (DONT WORRY I AM OK!). Then it hits me, there are some of my friends who live less than 100 feet away, who have no choice but to not eat because there is no money for food. How do I go on and not just give up and go home? I recognize today at school that Maureen Mwende (a little girl in my second grade class), ate all her lunch without complaining, knowing that she HATES Ugali (thats what was for lunch), I asked her how her lunch was, she replied "Its good, Teacher Mwende".  Where did we get to this place that we arent grateful for the food we have? Our cupboards are overflowing with canned foods that we will never eat, our fridges are filled with vegetables we will only use half of and throw away, our freezers are filled with frozen food we dont know how long its been in there. When did food become something we simply want, rather than something to sustain us and make us to do what the Lord has called us to (whatever that may be). This isn't to guilt it's to realize that, we are not special because we live in a country where we can waste food, we are special because we have a living God who has called us FAVORED and HONORED in His sight. It's hard to believe, how much I have taken for granted.
Last Sunday at MCC during the youth service, we talked about faith, worry, and the fact that it is ok to ask for things from God. Faith, faith like a mustard seed not to worry?! I don't know but I do know that worry here, is like breathing yet no one shows it. I have learned that everyone says they are fine but there is so much pain. No the pain isnt a broken iphone, a slow internet connection, a non working phone, or someone hurt our feelings. Its bigger than that death, starvation, hurt, pain, loneliness, the things that can literally kill a person, not just make them have a bad day. It sounds harsh but it is true.
We cannot live our lives by what may come or go, we need to be thankful to the King of Kings for what we have and pray for blessings for those you have less. Being jealous or coveting others things, is a sin, so why not give more and take less? There is a reason why God created us in a way that all we need to live is food, water, shelter, and clothes. God is not complex, but he is simply. We have made him too complex with the things of this world.

It's incredible to sit and think about the places I have been, the people I know, that things I have done, and the continuous grace I receive from God.
God is SO GOOD. 

This blog post is all over the place, I apologize!
I wish I could write everything on here!